There is something underneath it that is downright creepy looking, that comes out at the slightest sun-directed opportunity. Tons and tons of small layers of something brown mixed with black...and areas of no color whatsoever, like the skin under a dog or cat's coat of fur...making me resemble nothing so much as a piece of cheesecloth, shot through with a weird mix of things.
My body has tended at certain points of time to generate the thing called melanin. It was supposed to be a form of protection against the sunlight, but it has also from time to time seemingly turned into the thing called cancer, or melanoma. And yet who knows what turns into melanoma, what protects from it, perhaps the interaction itself between the different, conflicting substances? What if these interactions cause various positive, negative and unknown consequential events...Like sugar is different from protein, etc.? I hate how the various dots and blobs look like wormholes. Like someday, worms shall begin wiggling out of them, in droves. Probably not, at least it isn't a case of "connect the dots."
My skin gets very dark under light. Then it gets very light under without. Like its trying to generate something, something that sadly is not PRETTY. The something might be healthy, something good, but it is not something beautiful. It makes me look muddy, and I keep thinking that if it got too dark, then it would fade away, the bad effect where it was so "not pretty," but unfortunately the road to such a thing remains untaken. It's not a road I was ever able to take, due to Skin Cancer, so I guess it remains a road Untaken.
It would definitely involved my being turned into a Black person. A rather dark, patchy-looking Black person, who would be better looking that way, if it worked. I would have been more attractive...perhaps. Perhaps not. Apparently, the attractive skin truly is the creamy, smooth type. I'm chunky peanut butter forever, and never will be the creamy kind. My hands will never be creamy smooth, white/brown/dark brown.
I am rather fornicated with, it would seem. Earmarked for failure from the beginning. I "sunned," it would seem. And the rest is supposed to be my attitude, or generated by me...I feel a bit alone to be this God person they keep talking about, that causes all my problems, or all the Evil in the Universe that "everyone else" is telling me all about...
...I'm not quite sure who you people are anymore. And I'm not able to turn myself all white, all racially pure, and the makeup is spectacularly missing. I don't feel up to smearing myself all over my body with it, either, I'm afraid. Say, can you understand that? Without being the same all alike groupie woupie at me? For a change? Could you, say, split up into each an individual person at me, without letting me know about your invisible union? Without being a member of that undetectable outside groupie woupie at me? The one that "knows Jews are a racial group," that knows "Indians live on reservations," that sort of thing? That stands there waiting for me to join your group, and then moves on, letting me know you're not able to let me join it...as I know I never will?
I'm not good at joining teeny tiny little wolf packs. Do you suppose someday I will? Join a group of millions of people, without ever knowing I'm stuck now being a member of it? A group a little too disparate, with each person in it an overly unique individual? Who isn't a member of any group at all, and who has to see every person outside of itself as nothing unique anymore, and as something stuck far too much living for me? Instead of each of it having its own individual life, doing its own individual thing............
An unlikely event. Meanwhile, I must hover forever in an Unpretty Zone. Folks, it's just as unpretty out there as it is over here. I would suggest minding your own business. If that's possible. Overblowing mine is exactly what I have been complaining about. Also "underblowing it." I am not sure about what is causing that last effect, either. A nasty joke, and that shouldn't be the entire ongoing matter. Unless sex is all, and all is sex. That would require something odd...something that I'm not quite aware of, anymore.
There should be some rather sex-free rocks, dirt, and stones. I have noticed that some rocks are round, and some are square. This could file sex under it, instead of it being filed under sex, for a change. But maybe something needs to reverse things. I can't see using rape as a "teaching tool," for example, because something is insisting that it is sexless. Rape isn't all that sexless. Rocks, maybe, not thrown ones...I'm getting more and more confused. Thrown rocks seem pretty sexless. Rape seems so either, so why is it so popular, when thrown rocks are...bullets. Well, why don't you try reading the below. The bullets hit me, gee, now I can't go on any further.
- By Tim Utton Science Reporter